genetically, I'm good

I got my first test results from my fertility center. Most people are familiar with the Counsyl genetic testing panel that tests for over 100 different genetic recessive disorders. My fertility center has developed a test with Counsyl that is a "limited" blood panel to test for the 16 most common genetic disorders. They include things like Cystic Fibrosis and Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Most women are tested to see if they are a carrier for CF when they find out they are pregnant. All these other genetic disorders they tested for are done at woman's NT scan. Since they are recessive, both G and I would have to be carries for our baby to have any of these.

Because of my losses (at my fertility center, they consider me to be there because of recurrent losses) they wanted to do this panel to rule out genetic disorders as the reason why I'm not able to keep a pregnancy. The doctor also explained to me that it'll be nice for us when we do get pregnant knowing that there is zero chance of our baby having any of these by the time we get to the NT scan. We liked that idea!

This panel was completely optional, and usually isn't covered by insurance. She said the test would be about $100-$150 OOP (out of pocket for the newbs following my blog!) which G and I felt wasn't too bad to rule out some serious issues. I did this test right there at the center after my initial appointment with Dr. B.

I got the phone call yesterday that I was negative for everything. YAY!!!! Honestly, I forgot about it though. It's like the one test I was least concerned about. I already knew I wasn't a carrier for CF since I had that test done during my last pregnancy. I really didn't think I was a carrier for anything else just based on my family history.

I'm more worried about G's SA (semen analysis) results, my HSG, CD3 blood work, ect. We also had to do an infectious disease blood draw but I'm not worried about that either. I'm a regular blood donor and if I had any of that shizz they would send me a nice letter telling me not to come back (they stalk my ass on the regular). I know someone this happened to!

Other than that, I'm still running, reading and just overall keeping myself busy. It helps pass the time. Once you get past a year, have had multiple losses and are now going through IF testing, you HAVE to keep yourself busy to stay sane. I also have a an AH-MAY-ZING group of women who are my rock, strength and shoulder when I need it.

I'm 8DPO in my current cycle. My back started killing me today. (Back pain = PMS for me) I'm out, but I wasn't expecting any miracles this cycle. I'm actually looking forward to taking a temping break next cycle as well! My doctor didn't specify that I couldn't try, but for my sanity I've already decided this is it. Next cycle will be finishing up testing and a follow up with Dr. B. Then I'll start treatment and since I'm being monitored, there is zero reason to temp any longer. YAY!

Happy Friday ladies! Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend. I'm on baby watch - my college roommate is expecting her little girl any day! I'm so excited to meet baby Addison!!!

SNOWQUESTOR!!!!

Okay yeah, totally lame, but in the DC area everything has to be named. It's just how this area works. DC itself got barely any snow. Like maybe a dusting.

We live about 30 miles west of DC. We hit the jackpot. We had about 10 inches. My parents live about 50 miles from DC (20 miles from us if you're doing math) and they got over a foot. I feel badly, they didn't have power when they woke up yesterday morning - and they still don't have power. They are over 24 hours without. Also, they have a well. Which means they can't shower or anything when they don't have power. They're headed up to our house today to use our facilities. G is working from home today so they can come over and make themselves at home.

Here's a pic of me and the girls yesterday in the snow:

It's hard enough to get one dog to pose let alone two!

G's SA is today. He already called and completed what he had to at home. He's en route to the doctor's now to drop off his "sample." I'm glad he was able to get it done. I was nervous that he might get some anxiety and not finish. He's been really good about all this testing - although this is the last test he has to do. Everything else is on me.

I got a letter from Aetna yesterday about coverage for some test that's been approved. I think it's for my HSG. Not sure. I'm calling the financial coordinator today. I'm terrible with insurance and understanding the lingo. I originally thought I was OOP for the HSG - but if I'm reading this letter correctly, I don't think I am. SO. EFFING. CONFUSED. I feel like insurance is like a foreign language.

We all know this journey is hard. It's even harder when dealing with IF. Every failed cycle burns as time goes on. For some reason this song really resonates with me. Every month I have to convince myself that if I don't try - it's not going to happen. This song is one of my motivations - I gotta get up and try. If I don't try - I know one day I'll totally regret it. I have to try until I've exhausted all options. I gotta get up and try.

SNOWMYGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to the DC area when it snows. It could be an inch to 3 feet, but the panic and reaction is the same. I feel like most of the time weathermen are wrong anyway. I know that there is a panic rush at the grocery stores for milk, eggs & fabric softener!

Just for shits and giggles, here is the warning map:

I'm technically in the area that's in teal, but I'm closer to the pink than DC. We usually end up getting more where we live. I couldn't find the map that showed the estimated snowfall totals, but this morning they are saying 8-12" at our house. Sweet. Our neighborhood is so new that it's not state maintained yet. The state will not take over until all the houses are built. I think there are maybe 3-4 open lots still. So I'll take my laptop home tonight just in case I have to work from home tomorrow. I'm kinda hoping for that! I love the idea of not getting out of my pj's!

Sorry I've been MIA lately. There just isn't much to report since my first appointment with my RE. We're just chugging along getting things done on the checklist provided by the RE.

Items we've completed:
-G did his infectious disease tests
-I did my infectious disease test
-I did my genetic screening blood draw
-I did another blood draw that tested for karyotype, RH factor, blood type, ect.

Items pending:
-I'm waiting for my nurse to confirm that my stupid GYN's office has send my records. I've called twice. I'm not really happy with my GYN's office. Next step is to show up in person. They really don't want me to do that.
-G has his SA this Thursday

Items scheduled:
-HSG March 19th

TBD:
-CD 3 blood work. I have to call my nurse when I get my period.

I'm bummed I didn't take a pic of the blood draw from this past weekend. I need to start photographing this shit. They took 9 vials of blood from me this past Saturday. 9!!!!! I was like HOLY EFFING SHIT!  I promise to do better like when I go for my HSG and shizzz!

I'm currently in my 2WW from current cycle. I'm 5DPO today. I'm not really expecting anything other than my period coming. Why would that change at this point?

We have visitor until Easter. The breeder that we're getting a puppy from has a girl, Lilo who's 8 months old and is really shy and skittish. She wants to show her but if she continues to be scared of everything, she won't be able to. She asked us if we could take her for a few weeks to see if we can help her get less scared. She's already doing better after only one week. (We live in a more densely populated area with more "everyday" noises - the breeder lives in a very isolated, quite area on top of a mountain.) She's also quite comfortable with me and G as you can see in this pic of her napping on my lap over the weekend:

Yes, she's upside down. Most of you have seen pics of my girl, Cira, sleeping like this. Apparently all Airedales sleep like this! :-)

Our little boy was born over the weekend!!! That's exciting. So we're looking somewhere between April 27th  and May 11th for him to come home. (That's between 8 and 10 weeks if you're keeping up.) It's just really going to depend on when he's ready. We're very excited, and we've got almost everything in place. Especially since Lilo is visiting - she's still prone to trouble - as all pups are!

Dogs rule.

I'm on overload...

Many of you know, but I had my first RE appt yesterday. It's not a joke when they say it's information overload. I think I knocked out for a moment

It was a lot. But at least we have a plan now.

This is probably the best news I've gotten in a while. It's fantastic to know that we're working towards SOMETHING. The only weird part was when she was going over the testing, she wasn't going to order a SA for G. To my utter shock, he said something. She told him if he wanted one, she would do it, but based on our history, she doesn't think he has any issues. And for my second shock of the day - he said YES! Let's do it! Bless him.

So based on where I am in my current cycle, we have to wait for some stuff. BUT we did do a blood draw today for genetic screening. They test for 16 different types of chromosome abnormalities (cystic fibrosis for example). If I'm not a carrier of any of them, G doesn't have to get tested. We'll find out about those in two weeks.

We both have to go to the lab and get tested for HIV, Hep B, ect. He's actually got it done already yesterday. I needed to go back to work - but they're open this weekend so I plan to go first thing.

She scheduled my HSG based on when my next period comes. They do it between CD 5-12. Right now, mine would be scheduled on CD9. I have to call the nurse when I get my period to schedule my CD3 blood work. Of CD3 for next cycle is going to fall on a weekend which makes things tricky. But we'll get it done. G's SA is scheduled for next week after my FW is over (I'm 99% sure I'm Oing today). The doctor said they don't do 7DPO blood draw because they put everyone on progesterone since it "can't hurt, only help."

Lastly - we already have our follow up scheduled the first week in April. By then all our testing should be done and we'll meet to go over them and get a game plan together. Oh, and she was very happy about my charts. She loved it. She said they all looked great and was appreciative that I brought them in. (Another example of how charting really works and is a GOOD thing!)

I am being treated as a high risk patient because of recurrent losses. They believe that two back to back is cause for concern. She said that I might have "bad luck" and nothing is wrong, but it's time to get it checked out. If I do get pregnant, as far as my RE is concerned, I will be high risk. My OB usually doesn't consider this until you've had 3 straight losses, but we'll see. Only time will tell. I'm having a lot of genetic blood work done to rule out any type of genetic defects.

Overall yesterday was a pretty positive day. My PCP did call me late though. I had my annual physical last week. Apparently my Vitamin D level is quite low. Most people get Vitamin D from sun exposure, as it occurs naturally. But since I avoid the sun like the plague (I am one of the whitest white girls EVA), I might be able to be officially classified as a vampire.

(Disclaimer: I've never watched or read anything related to Twilight. This was just the first thing that came to my mind when I think of a vampire - since they're all up in the news lately.)

Anywho, my PCP wants to put me on high dose Vitamin D for 8 weeks, then take a regular vitamin with my prenatal (she knows we're TTC). I just don't know if it's OK for me to take these Vitamin D supplements while I'm going  through all this. I've read that it's important and OK but I'm emailing my nurse this morning at the RE's office....I'm impatiently waiting for her reply!! Please feel free to chime in if you know about this!

Okay, this is seriously enough for one day...

the nerves are settling in....

Yup. That's how I'm starting to feel about my first RE appointment. It's exactly a week from today. I have no idea why I'm so nervous. It's not like I'm going to walk in there and I'm going to find out if/what is wrong. Maybe it's just because this is starting to become more real.

I honestly never thought a year ago that I would be here. When I started this journey I was convinced that it might take some time; up to year. But I never thought I'd actually have two losses under my belt. I was SO FREAKING sure I'd get pregnant. (Doesn't everyone when they start?)

But instead, I sit here on the verge of my first RE appointment. Maybe it's the unknown that's freaking me out? What if there's no answer? What if we're diagnosed with unexplained? Is/will that be more frustrating than something being wrong with one of us? GAH!!!! I told you I'm starting to panic a little.

I need to calm my happy(ish) ass down.

I'm hoping to make this a positive experience - I know many would consider it negative that it's come to this point. I think G is ready for some answers too.

Just as an update, I'm still running. I can tell I'm getting more in shape. It honestly feels really good. I can run 3 miles without stopping (that's what I'm up to). Maybe I do have a chance to run this entire race. I've been sticking with the training program (some days are harder than others) and it's paying off. This Saturday is my first 4 mile run. We'll see how that goes. But I feel really good after my 3 mile run today. I could totally crush a 5K at this point!

life just isn't fair sometimes...

That's pretty much how life feels occasionally these days. I've been through a lot these past few months, and I feel like the hits just keep on coming.

As much as I cry on occasion or just feel down, I REFUSE to let all this defeat me. Some days, staying strong is hard.

Like today I had a meltdown at the mall. I went go buy a new pair of jeans from the Gap. I found these long and lean jeans that actually fit my body. I have HIPS! And when I say hips, I mean like Oprah and then some! So finding jeans is REALLY hard for me. Skinny jeans are not an option. They would make my ass look like I was hauling a freight train on my backside. But I digress. I went to go buy another pair of these wonderful jeans because I tore a hole in my favorite pair. We didn't you know that the lovely ladies that work there informed me that they are being DISCONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF! I was all:

And then in the car ride home, the melt down ensued. OVER FUCKING JEANS! I seriously need to slap the shit out of myself some days.

And then I snapped out of it. I find myself being OK most days. But every once in a while I find that things are getting to me. Stupid things. Like jeans being discontinued. I know that when something goes wrong I'm associating it back to something worse like my losses, my grandpa. whatever. And I know that's so wrong. I'm not sure it's normal either. I'm hoping that this is all part of the grieving process and it'll pass with time.

In order to help keep things positive I'm still running. I'm still sticking to the 10K training schedule. I'm shocked that I've been able to keep up with it. But just like TTC, I will not give up on it. I will see it through until I reach my goal. I feel amazing after each run, and the weight is really starting to melt away.

I'm also starting to really look forward to my RE appointment so we can get things going. The excitement of that when I think about it is sobering yet refreshing all at the same time. I know that sounds completely insane.

There are some people out there that are going through so much more than I am right now. That are in much more emotional or physical pain or both. I try to keep that in perspective while on this journey - and try my best to keep every single one of you in my prayers. I love you all. And thank YOU for the love and support you have shown me over the past few weeks. I don't know how I'll ever begin to thank you enough. But please know that I do hope that if you ever need it, I can be there to show you the same love in return. 

thank you rbtrumpet!!

For giving me strength to get through this rough patch. I'm going to pay it forward this Ash Wednesday. Here's some inspiration for all of us:

"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands." (II Corinthian 5:1)

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.  After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words."1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Romans 5:3-5

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."
Romans 8:18

No matter where you are on your journey, I keep you all in my T&P's. No matter what your faith (or lack there of) I think of all of you. It's the common bond and the hope that keeps us all going.

got knocked down again....

Yeah it's like that.

Some of you that are friends with me on FB already know. But my maternal grandfather died at the age of 92 last Friday after a long battle with Alzheimer's. We've had time to prepare for this, as we've seen his decline progress. We know he's not suffering anymore.

It was really hard as this is my first grandparent to pass away. Yes, you're reading that correct. At the age of 32, he was my first grandparent to die. I know how incredibly lucky I am.

Then on Friday afternoon I got the second blow. His funeral is on Thursday, Feb 14th. Of course I immediately remembered that was supposed to be my first RE appointment. I hung up with my mom and immediately called to reschedule.

The first appointment they could get me in is Wed, Feb 27th. Can I get a BREAK?!?! PLEASE?!?!?! By the time this appointment comes, my period will have already passed (I'm actually due a week from today) - so of course that means I have to wait yet ANOTHER cycle to get any testing done.

I'm 100000% convinced something will come up that will prevent me from my appointment on the 27th. I'm actually just feeling sorry for myself. Shit goes downhill and I'm clearly at the bottom. I just can't get a break lately.

I'm still paying off medical bills from my D&C. I was so convinced that 2013 was going to be different. We made the RE appointment, got all the pre-authorizations in place. FINALLY something to look forward to. Then my grandpa dies. Another knock down. And another medical bill shows up this past Saturday. It's salt in the wound every time another bill shows up. I'm an emotional mess. I can't stop crying.

Why can't just ONE good thing happen? Why did I have to lose my baby? Why did my grandpa have to get this disease that over took his mind and body? Why am I such a hormonal mess that everything is making me cry?!?! I seriously am not sure I'm strong enough anymore. I'm so incredibly frustrated.

My eternal optimist husband is convinced that this is a sign from God (that I had to change the RE appt) that I'm going to get pregnant this month. I love his positivity. I wish I could share that. I'm already PMSing at 6DPO like crazy. It's over this cycle already.

I am searching for how to continue and go on. I don't have any answers. I'm in a dense fog and I'm not sure how to get out. I don't see it thinning anytime soon. I know God is challenging me but I'm not sure I can take it anymore.

For now, I will continue to throw myself into my running - and hope that if I continue to run; I'll find the light I'm searching for.

how do you do it?

That seems to be the most common question I get asked these days. How do you handle the losses? How do you handle that it's been a year? How do you not obsess over every temp?

The answer is simple: I live my life.

I used to get excited and read into every temp. Now, I take my temp like I used to, I pee on things, I have sex when I'm supposed to, but I no longer fret if/when things will happen. TTC for a year will do that to just about anyone.

The losses sting. It's not easy. But don't let them define me. I'm open to talking about them with anyone who asks. Sometimes, in a quite moment alone, I still cry. But I refuse to let the losses defeat me.

I also get asked how I am able to be so happy for other people, attend/throw showers for others like nothing bothers me.

The answer is simple: It doesn't bother me.

My friends ability to have kids and their fertility has no affect on mine. I used to get upset. Then I had a come to Jesus meeting with myself. I have removed all the bitterness. It's only going to drag me down. I am genuinely happy for all my friends/family that are going to know the joy of having a child of their own. I have put my faith in God and know that he will bless me with a child in time.

In the mean time I keep myself so freaking busy now that I don't think about things anymore. I'm running like a mad woman. I'm training for a 10K in April in Richmond, VA. One of my BFF's from college suckered me into this. IDK what I was thinking. I've never run 6 miles at one time. I'm nervous I won't be able to do this. You can read about the event here.

I must admit that I'm really excited about it. I'm feeling really good about myself after I run - and the weight is starting to really shed. It's like I've jump started my metabolism. It feels great!

As many of you know - we're anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little puppy! Well we finally have a time frame (he's not even born yet!!!). The litter is due the first few days of March. This means he'll be coming home the end of April or beginning of May. We are over the moon excited. I'm excited that I'm keeping myself busy and focused on running and once my race is done - the puppy will be home. I'm doing a good job so far in 2013 of keeping myself distracted!!! In 2013 - I'm writing my story - I'm not letting anything or anyone else write it for me.

just because

living a new untruth

Let me start by saying - ugh! CD1 - CD3 has kicked my ass. It's quite possible all those rumors I've heard about AF being worse on progesterone is true. I've noticed a difference already. Ugh, let's just say yuck!

But it's all good! My kit was ready to go:

You know you have a CD1 kit too. Although the main difference is that I haven't touched a smoke in months, especially since I've been running more. But I think it looks nicely and completes the "look" of CD1, so this old recycled pic gets to stay! LOL!

I need to add a heating pad to that as well. My cramps were SOOOOOO bad this go around.

So let's get to the title of this post. So G and I are now just denying everything. To just about everyone. When someone asks if we're still trying we just say "we haven't decided anything yet."

When we've been asked recently by people "what's your deal? are you trying to get pregnant?" I just tell them we haven't decided anything yet.

I was even asked last week if "are there problems since you're not pregnant yet?" (Yes, I swear to GOD that happened!!!) I just said that we're waiting until G finishes grad school. I'm very vague.

I'm sure my vagueness has people suspicious, but I really don't care. I'm so sick of people knowing/asking. I have become so much more sympathetic to IF and the TTC struggles of others. You really never know someones story. G and I decided the other day that even if/when I get pregnant, we probably won't even do a FB post. Who knows who else out there is struggling that we're friends with?

Don't get me wrong. I am soooo at peace with everything that's happened over this past year. All this "trying" has given me time to reflect and make some decisions. I plan on keeping everything "under wraps" as much as possible. It's just a personal choice that I've made for myself. G is on board because, well, he has to be! :D

I'm excited what 2013 holds for us. I no longer fret about if/when we'll get pregnant. I've had a sense of calm take over me that made me realize that God has got this. If we're meant to be parents, we will be. If not, that's fine too. For the first time in a long time, I wake up happy more often than not; I feel like my recent loss has given me perspective and a new lease. It feels amazing.

RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I had a moment. I'll admit it. It's not right, but I had a moment today. Someone on FB announced that they were expecting. I've actually known about this couple being pregnant for a bit, they just asked me to keep it a secret. I think the thing that stings about it the most is that when I was told it was "SQUEE!!! It was our first month trying!!!!!!" I wanted to punch them in their FUCKING face. Why can't it be left at "Yay! We're pregnant!"? Why do people have to include how long they've been trying like that.

It was the whole announcement that bothered me. It was when I saw it, I went back to "SQUEE! It was our first month trying!!!!!"

So for moment I was all (seriously just a moment!)

 

But then I snapped out of it and became all

Because I am genuinely happy for them. They had a VERY small wedding. G and I were part of the small group of friends invited to share their special day. It was really great! I hope she has healthy and happy pregnancy!

Of course I also got cheered up by my lovely friend Nicole! She gchated me up today which was exactly what I needed! I'm usually on all day while I'm at work...so if you're bored and need someone to chat with - add me! I bet you a million dollars you can't guess what my gchat name is!

Happy Hump Day ladies!

impatiently waiting on baby Ethan to get here...

Yup that's how I feel right now with regards to baby Ethan! My BFF from the TB is due any day now. Her real due date is Jan 31st but because of some things going on - baby Ethan might be here sooner! Please say a prayer for them both! Everyone wants a happy, healthy baby and an smooth delivery for momma! <3 you Peachy! I'm so freaking happy for you!

Once Ethan gets here I'll be all:

Not much going on here with me. More of the same stuff, different week. I've been taking progesterone since I O'd and it makes me feel like a zombie. Not like

but more like

That about sums up my experience with progesterone. My back is killing me which I know means that my period is coming. I think I'm going to stop the progesterone tonight. I really don't see the point of continuing to take it if AF is coming, but I know I won't stop taking it. I hate breaking rules and not following instructions. I'm such a wuss.

Continuing to work on the weight loss/getting healthy thing. It's been a fantastic distraction for me. I've officially signed up for two 5K's races - one at the end of March and one at the end of April. This is forcing me to get my ass back in shape. I've been doing really good with eating well and hitting my calorie goals. Now I just need to add the exercise for maximum weight loss.

G wants to try one more cycle on our own before I call the RE. I've agreed to that schedule for now. We'll see if I stick to it. Every time I agree I back pedal. It's like I'm in denial or something. We really should take advantage though -we have amazeballs insurance that even covers most of IVF if it came to that. We shall see.

Still no update on the puppy. We should know in the next week if we're getting one out of the current litter (they'll be 8 weeks on Jan 30th - that's usually when breeders have the best idea of what they've got puppy wise). If not, the next litter is due this week - that means a late March or early April homecoming. Either way - we're totally ready!!! So excited for our newest edition...

time to remove the dust...

mostly because I'm ODC and hate germs/dirt/messes. But mostly because I haven't blogged in what seems like forever!

Mostly it's because I've been insanely busy annd I've been having some issues inserting photos. I can't do a blog post without photos!!! I'm way to ADD for that!!!

Anyshit, I'm doing well. Mentally, I'm finally starting to move on from everything. The timing of everything was really rough with it being the holiday season. Too many people asking too many questions. I've been able to finally just have "me" time and mentally process everything. It also really helped that I ovulated this cycle. It confirms for me that my body reset itself the way it should. I think that was huge mental hurdle.

Since I reset myself some of you might be wonder "ZOMG! Did you try again this cycle?!?!?!" The answer is: sort of. We hit a couple of days in my fertile window, but we didn't go at it like we had during the past year. I think we are kinda meh at this point. It's a very humbling thing to hit a year TTC. It doesn't matter how/why you got there. You start questioning everything. I find myself saying a lot lately "maybe God doesn't want me to be a mother. Maybe I'm only going to be a mother to fur babies." I haven't decided if I'm OK with that yet.

G wants to "try" for two more cycles on our own. Since we hit days in my fertile window, this counts as one. If we're not KU by March, he wants to call the RE. I haven't made any decisions yet.

The only thing I really feel like I don't have much of is time. I'm going to be 32 in a couple of weeks. If by some miracle of God, I get pregnant this cycle, I'd be having a kid in early October. Feb cycle = November kid and so on. I so badly wanted to have a child sometime in my 32 year of existence. Now having one during my 33rd sounds like a stretch. I just don't feel like time is on my side.

So I'm taking my progesterone once I confirmed ovulation. My doctor told me to start it at 3DPO. It knocks me out. I stick it up there right before I go to bed (I'm all like did I go far enough?!?!?!?)

It's a much deeper hole than I ever imagined! ;-)

The only other symptom I've had is a lot of headaches. I suffer from chronic migraines so all the hormones are messing with me. Fortunately I haven't had a migraine from it yet (knock wood), and I've been able to sleep off all the other headaches. My doctor has me take it from 3DPO until 12DPO, test, then if it's negative, stop taking it so my BFF will show. I'm not sure I'm going to have to test though. I've been doing this long enough to know what PMS and stuff feels like. Unless progesterone changes all that. Which I'll find out in the future.

I am happy to announce that since I started eating better the day after Christmas I'm down 12lbs. I'm sure some of it has to do with all the emotional up and downs I went through. But I really changed my eating habits (still haven't gotten consistent on my running again). This is how I feel when I step on the scale:

It really does feel amazeballs!

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend! Here's to sex, drugs and rock & roll!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

it's getting harder to pick myself up

Every time I think I'm mentally recovering and doing better, I get knocked down. It's like this m/c (miscarriage - for those who don't know the abbreviation) won't LEAVE.

I was in the kitchen at work yesterday when the director (my bosses boss - follow that?) comes in to get her coffee and says "Congratulations! I heard you were expecting!!!!" I'm sure the look on my face said it all.

So of course I then had to play it off. Tell her that I can assure her with 100% certainty that I am NOT pregnant. She apologized. I went off to the bathroom to cry again.

I swear to GOD why does this keep happening? When will it end? Why am I still being tested? I am not that strong! I was so convinced that once I got through the holidays I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore.

/end rant for today. Had to get that off my chest.

Okay so the same boss listed above - her daughter just had her baby. A little girl, Ava Noel. She wasn't due until mid-January. She is a Christmas baby and came at 5lbs exactly. She had to be induced as the baby wasn't growing properly and her heart rate started to slow down.

Delivery went fine, mom and baby went home. Baby started having breathing problems; they went to ER where baby and mom we re-admitted. They are still both in the hospital but doing MUCH better. If you have a moment, please say prayer for mom and baby. She is a first time mom and as you can imagine, mom, dad, grandma - the whole family is very scared and stressed out. I really appreciate it.

lost my water bottle already

Damn it! I seriously don't know what I did with it! I had it Monday when I went to work - but now it's no where to be found! This is going to make me insane today. Okay. That's my rant so far for 2013.

NYE was fun. But I had to "force" myself to have fun. I did okay until midnight. Unfortunately, I had one of those awesome "accidents" while out so after that (thank GOD I packed extra undies just in case) I just stayed in the room the rest of the night. (AF this time is very unpredictable and has been different from my "normal" which my doctor warned me about.) My mind started to wander about all the "what ifs" instead of trying to focus on the future. I know it's still going to happen from time to time.

Here is a pic of me and G before heading out NYE - I have no idea why my eyes look cross eyed.

Here is a pic of the all the girls in our group - this is all our pool hall friends that went out with. It's nice because the crowd is a little older than G and I. (We're the youngest in this group.) And most of them don't have kids and have no desire to have them. I avoid the dreaded kid questions - which is really nice.

This was before we all got too trashed. The end of the night was a hot mess. That's for sure.

When we got home, even Cira was exhausted:

Not sure what she did while we were gone, but clearly, she was wiped out too!

G and I have decided to try two more cycles on our own. I am headed to Target after work today to get my Progesterone script filled (per my doctor). If we aren't pregnant in two more cycles we will go get testing done with the RE. We'll decide based on the test results if we're going to move forward with "help." More about that later on - I have a lot of thoughts about getting help and most of it's religious based so I don't want to bore you/anger/offend anyone. I will say that church has really helped the healing process. I haven't missed mass on a Sunday since my m/c. I also haven't missed a Holy Day (I know you can insert your eye roll). But for me, I've found a lot of strength at church and really has helped me cope. It's been quite an emotional roller coaster and for whatever reason, faith has grounded me.

Okay, that's my soap box. Again, I don't want to offend anyone and I definitely don't want to push my religious beliefs on anyone.

Happy Wednesday - welcome to 2013! Let's make this our year!