got knocked down again....

Yeah it's like that.

Some of you that are friends with me on FB already know. But my maternal grandfather died at the age of 92 last Friday after a long battle with Alzheimer's. We've had time to prepare for this, as we've seen his decline progress. We know he's not suffering anymore.

It was really hard as this is my first grandparent to pass away. Yes, you're reading that correct. At the age of 32, he was my first grandparent to die. I know how incredibly lucky I am.

Then on Friday afternoon I got the second blow. His funeral is on Thursday, Feb 14th. Of course I immediately remembered that was supposed to be my first RE appointment. I hung up with my mom and immediately called to reschedule.

The first appointment they could get me in is Wed, Feb 27th. Can I get a BREAK?!?! PLEASE?!?!?! By the time this appointment comes, my period will have already passed (I'm actually due a week from today) - so of course that means I have to wait yet ANOTHER cycle to get any testing done.

I'm 100000% convinced something will come up that will prevent me from my appointment on the 27th. I'm actually just feeling sorry for myself. Shit goes downhill and I'm clearly at the bottom. I just can't get a break lately.

I'm still paying off medical bills from my D&C. I was so convinced that 2013 was going to be different. We made the RE appointment, got all the pre-authorizations in place. FINALLY something to look forward to. Then my grandpa dies. Another knock down. And another medical bill shows up this past Saturday. It's salt in the wound every time another bill shows up. I'm an emotional mess. I can't stop crying.

Why can't just ONE good thing happen? Why did I have to lose my baby? Why did my grandpa have to get this disease that over took his mind and body? Why am I such a hormonal mess that everything is making me cry?!?! I seriously am not sure I'm strong enough anymore. I'm so incredibly frustrated.

My eternal optimist husband is convinced that this is a sign from God (that I had to change the RE appt) that I'm going to get pregnant this month. I love his positivity. I wish I could share that. I'm already PMSing at 6DPO like crazy. It's over this cycle already.

I am searching for how to continue and go on. I don't have any answers. I'm in a dense fog and I'm not sure how to get out. I don't see it thinning anytime soon. I know God is challenging me but I'm not sure I can take it anymore.

For now, I will continue to throw myself into my running - and hope that if I continue to run; I'll find the light I'm searching for.