I'm on overload...

Many of you know, but I had my first RE appt yesterday. It's not a joke when they say it's information overload. I think I knocked out for a moment

It was a lot. But at least we have a plan now.

This is probably the best news I've gotten in a while. It's fantastic to know that we're working towards SOMETHING. The only weird part was when she was going over the testing, she wasn't going to order a SA for G. To my utter shock, he said something. She told him if he wanted one, she would do it, but based on our history, she doesn't think he has any issues. And for my second shock of the day - he said YES! Let's do it! Bless him.

So based on where I am in my current cycle, we have to wait for some stuff. BUT we did do a blood draw today for genetic screening. They test for 16 different types of chromosome abnormalities (cystic fibrosis for example). If I'm not a carrier of any of them, G doesn't have to get tested. We'll find out about those in two weeks.

We both have to go to the lab and get tested for HIV, Hep B, ect. He's actually got it done already yesterday. I needed to go back to work - but they're open this weekend so I plan to go first thing.

She scheduled my HSG based on when my next period comes. They do it between CD 5-12. Right now, mine would be scheduled on CD9. I have to call the nurse when I get my period to schedule my CD3 blood work. Of CD3 for next cycle is going to fall on a weekend which makes things tricky. But we'll get it done. G's SA is scheduled for next week after my FW is over (I'm 99% sure I'm Oing today). The doctor said they don't do 7DPO blood draw because they put everyone on progesterone since it "can't hurt, only help."

Lastly - we already have our follow up scheduled the first week in April. By then all our testing should be done and we'll meet to go over them and get a game plan together. Oh, and she was very happy about my charts. She loved it. She said they all looked great and was appreciative that I brought them in. (Another example of how charting really works and is a GOOD thing!)

I am being treated as a high risk patient because of recurrent losses. They believe that two back to back is cause for concern. She said that I might have "bad luck" and nothing is wrong, but it's time to get it checked out. If I do get pregnant, as far as my RE is concerned, I will be high risk. My OB usually doesn't consider this until you've had 3 straight losses, but we'll see. Only time will tell. I'm having a lot of genetic blood work done to rule out any type of genetic defects.

Overall yesterday was a pretty positive day. My PCP did call me late though. I had my annual physical last week. Apparently my Vitamin D level is quite low. Most people get Vitamin D from sun exposure, as it occurs naturally. But since I avoid the sun like the plague (I am one of the whitest white girls EVA), I might be able to be officially classified as a vampire.

(Disclaimer: I've never watched or read anything related to Twilight. This was just the first thing that came to my mind when I think of a vampire - since they're all up in the news lately.)

Anywho, my PCP wants to put me on high dose Vitamin D for 8 weeks, then take a regular vitamin with my prenatal (she knows we're TTC). I just don't know if it's OK for me to take these Vitamin D supplements while I'm going  through all this. I've read that it's important and OK but I'm emailing my nurse this morning at the RE's office....I'm impatiently waiting for her reply!! Please feel free to chime in if you know about this!

Okay, this is seriously enough for one day...

the nerves are settling in....

Yup. That's how I'm starting to feel about my first RE appointment. It's exactly a week from today. I have no idea why I'm so nervous. It's not like I'm going to walk in there and I'm going to find out if/what is wrong. Maybe it's just because this is starting to become more real.

I honestly never thought a year ago that I would be here. When I started this journey I was convinced that it might take some time; up to year. But I never thought I'd actually have two losses under my belt. I was SO FREAKING sure I'd get pregnant. (Doesn't everyone when they start?)

But instead, I sit here on the verge of my first RE appointment. Maybe it's the unknown that's freaking me out? What if there's no answer? What if we're diagnosed with unexplained? Is/will that be more frustrating than something being wrong with one of us? GAH!!!! I told you I'm starting to panic a little.

I need to calm my happy(ish) ass down.

I'm hoping to make this a positive experience - I know many would consider it negative that it's come to this point. I think G is ready for some answers too.

Just as an update, I'm still running. I can tell I'm getting more in shape. It honestly feels really good. I can run 3 miles without stopping (that's what I'm up to). Maybe I do have a chance to run this entire race. I've been sticking with the training program (some days are harder than others) and it's paying off. This Saturday is my first 4 mile run. We'll see how that goes. But I feel really good after my 3 mile run today. I could totally crush a 5K at this point!

life just isn't fair sometimes...

That's pretty much how life feels occasionally these days. I've been through a lot these past few months, and I feel like the hits just keep on coming.

As much as I cry on occasion or just feel down, I REFUSE to let all this defeat me. Some days, staying strong is hard.

Like today I had a meltdown at the mall. I went go buy a new pair of jeans from the Gap. I found these long and lean jeans that actually fit my body. I have HIPS! And when I say hips, I mean like Oprah and then some! So finding jeans is REALLY hard for me. Skinny jeans are not an option. They would make my ass look like I was hauling a freight train on my backside. But I digress. I went to go buy another pair of these wonderful jeans because I tore a hole in my favorite pair. We didn't you know that the lovely ladies that work there informed me that they are being DISCONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF! I was all:

And then in the car ride home, the melt down ensued. OVER FUCKING JEANS! I seriously need to slap the shit out of myself some days.

And then I snapped out of it. I find myself being OK most days. But every once in a while I find that things are getting to me. Stupid things. Like jeans being discontinued. I know that when something goes wrong I'm associating it back to something worse like my losses, my grandpa. whatever. And I know that's so wrong. I'm not sure it's normal either. I'm hoping that this is all part of the grieving process and it'll pass with time.

In order to help keep things positive I'm still running. I'm still sticking to the 10K training schedule. I'm shocked that I've been able to keep up with it. But just like TTC, I will not give up on it. I will see it through until I reach my goal. I feel amazing after each run, and the weight is really starting to melt away.

I'm also starting to really look forward to my RE appointment so we can get things going. The excitement of that when I think about it is sobering yet refreshing all at the same time. I know that sounds completely insane.

There are some people out there that are going through so much more than I am right now. That are in much more emotional or physical pain or both. I try to keep that in perspective while on this journey - and try my best to keep every single one of you in my prayers. I love you all. And thank YOU for the love and support you have shown me over the past few weeks. I don't know how I'll ever begin to thank you enough. But please know that I do hope that if you ever need it, I can be there to show you the same love in return. 

thank you rbtrumpet!!

For giving me strength to get through this rough patch. I'm going to pay it forward this Ash Wednesday. Here's some inspiration for all of us:

"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands." (II Corinthian 5:1)

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.  After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words."1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Romans 5:3-5

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."
Romans 8:18

No matter where you are on your journey, I keep you all in my T&P's. No matter what your faith (or lack there of) I think of all of you. It's the common bond and the hope that keeps us all going.

got knocked down again....

Yeah it's like that.

Some of you that are friends with me on FB already know. But my maternal grandfather died at the age of 92 last Friday after a long battle with Alzheimer's. We've had time to prepare for this, as we've seen his decline progress. We know he's not suffering anymore.

It was really hard as this is my first grandparent to pass away. Yes, you're reading that correct. At the age of 32, he was my first grandparent to die. I know how incredibly lucky I am.

Then on Friday afternoon I got the second blow. His funeral is on Thursday, Feb 14th. Of course I immediately remembered that was supposed to be my first RE appointment. I hung up with my mom and immediately called to reschedule.

The first appointment they could get me in is Wed, Feb 27th. Can I get a BREAK?!?! PLEASE?!?!?! By the time this appointment comes, my period will have already passed (I'm actually due a week from today) - so of course that means I have to wait yet ANOTHER cycle to get any testing done.

I'm 100000% convinced something will come up that will prevent me from my appointment on the 27th. I'm actually just feeling sorry for myself. Shit goes downhill and I'm clearly at the bottom. I just can't get a break lately.

I'm still paying off medical bills from my D&C. I was so convinced that 2013 was going to be different. We made the RE appointment, got all the pre-authorizations in place. FINALLY something to look forward to. Then my grandpa dies. Another knock down. And another medical bill shows up this past Saturday. It's salt in the wound every time another bill shows up. I'm an emotional mess. I can't stop crying.

Why can't just ONE good thing happen? Why did I have to lose my baby? Why did my grandpa have to get this disease that over took his mind and body? Why am I such a hormonal mess that everything is making me cry?!?! I seriously am not sure I'm strong enough anymore. I'm so incredibly frustrated.

My eternal optimist husband is convinced that this is a sign from God (that I had to change the RE appt) that I'm going to get pregnant this month. I love his positivity. I wish I could share that. I'm already PMSing at 6DPO like crazy. It's over this cycle already.

I am searching for how to continue and go on. I don't have any answers. I'm in a dense fog and I'm not sure how to get out. I don't see it thinning anytime soon. I know God is challenging me but I'm not sure I can take it anymore.

For now, I will continue to throw myself into my running - and hope that if I continue to run; I'll find the light I'm searching for.

how do you do it?

That seems to be the most common question I get asked these days. How do you handle the losses? How do you handle that it's been a year? How do you not obsess over every temp?

The answer is simple: I live my life.

I used to get excited and read into every temp. Now, I take my temp like I used to, I pee on things, I have sex when I'm supposed to, but I no longer fret if/when things will happen. TTC for a year will do that to just about anyone.

The losses sting. It's not easy. But don't let them define me. I'm open to talking about them with anyone who asks. Sometimes, in a quite moment alone, I still cry. But I refuse to let the losses defeat me.

I also get asked how I am able to be so happy for other people, attend/throw showers for others like nothing bothers me.

The answer is simple: It doesn't bother me.

My friends ability to have kids and their fertility has no affect on mine. I used to get upset. Then I had a come to Jesus meeting with myself. I have removed all the bitterness. It's only going to drag me down. I am genuinely happy for all my friends/family that are going to know the joy of having a child of their own. I have put my faith in God and know that he will bless me with a child in time.

In the mean time I keep myself so freaking busy now that I don't think about things anymore. I'm running like a mad woman. I'm training for a 10K in April in Richmond, VA. One of my BFF's from college suckered me into this. IDK what I was thinking. I've never run 6 miles at one time. I'm nervous I won't be able to do this. You can read about the event here.

I must admit that I'm really excited about it. I'm feeling really good about myself after I run - and the weight is starting to really shed. It's like I've jump started my metabolism. It feels great!

As many of you know - we're anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little puppy! Well we finally have a time frame (he's not even born yet!!!). The litter is due the first few days of March. This means he'll be coming home the end of April or beginning of May. We are over the moon excited. I'm excited that I'm keeping myself busy and focused on running and once my race is done - the puppy will be home. I'm doing a good job so far in 2013 of keeping myself distracted!!! In 2013 - I'm writing my story - I'm not letting anything or anyone else write it for me.