just because

living a new untruth

Let me start by saying - ugh! CD1 - CD3 has kicked my ass. It's quite possible all those rumors I've heard about AF being worse on progesterone is true. I've noticed a difference already. Ugh, let's just say yuck!

But it's all good! My kit was ready to go:

You know you have a CD1 kit too. Although the main difference is that I haven't touched a smoke in months, especially since I've been running more. But I think it looks nicely and completes the "look" of CD1, so this old recycled pic gets to stay! LOL!

I need to add a heating pad to that as well. My cramps were SOOOOOO bad this go around.

So let's get to the title of this post. So G and I are now just denying everything. To just about everyone. When someone asks if we're still trying we just say "we haven't decided anything yet."

When we've been asked recently by people "what's your deal? are you trying to get pregnant?" I just tell them we haven't decided anything yet.

I was even asked last week if "are there problems since you're not pregnant yet?" (Yes, I swear to GOD that happened!!!) I just said that we're waiting until G finishes grad school. I'm very vague.

I'm sure my vagueness has people suspicious, but I really don't care. I'm so sick of people knowing/asking. I have become so much more sympathetic to IF and the TTC struggles of others. You really never know someones story. G and I decided the other day that even if/when I get pregnant, we probably won't even do a FB post. Who knows who else out there is struggling that we're friends with?

Don't get me wrong. I am soooo at peace with everything that's happened over this past year. All this "trying" has given me time to reflect and make some decisions. I plan on keeping everything "under wraps" as much as possible. It's just a personal choice that I've made for myself. G is on board because, well, he has to be! :D

I'm excited what 2013 holds for us. I no longer fret about if/when we'll get pregnant. I've had a sense of calm take over me that made me realize that God has got this. If we're meant to be parents, we will be. If not, that's fine too. For the first time in a long time, I wake up happy more often than not; I feel like my recent loss has given me perspective and a new lease. It feels amazing.

RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I had a moment. I'll admit it. It's not right, but I had a moment today. Someone on FB announced that they were expecting. I've actually known about this couple being pregnant for a bit, they just asked me to keep it a secret. I think the thing that stings about it the most is that when I was told it was "SQUEE!!! It was our first month trying!!!!!!" I wanted to punch them in their FUCKING face. Why can't it be left at "Yay! We're pregnant!"? Why do people have to include how long they've been trying like that.

It was the whole announcement that bothered me. It was when I saw it, I went back to "SQUEE! It was our first month trying!!!!!"

So for moment I was all (seriously just a moment!)

 

But then I snapped out of it and became all

Because I am genuinely happy for them. They had a VERY small wedding. G and I were part of the small group of friends invited to share their special day. It was really great! I hope she has healthy and happy pregnancy!

Of course I also got cheered up by my lovely friend Nicole! She gchated me up today which was exactly what I needed! I'm usually on all day while I'm at work...so if you're bored and need someone to chat with - add me! I bet you a million dollars you can't guess what my gchat name is!

Happy Hump Day ladies!

impatiently waiting on baby Ethan to get here...

Yup that's how I feel right now with regards to baby Ethan! My BFF from the TB is due any day now. Her real due date is Jan 31st but because of some things going on - baby Ethan might be here sooner! Please say a prayer for them both! Everyone wants a happy, healthy baby and an smooth delivery for momma! <3 you Peachy! I'm so freaking happy for you!

Once Ethan gets here I'll be all:

Not much going on here with me. More of the same stuff, different week. I've been taking progesterone since I O'd and it makes me feel like a zombie. Not like

but more like

That about sums up my experience with progesterone. My back is killing me which I know means that my period is coming. I think I'm going to stop the progesterone tonight. I really don't see the point of continuing to take it if AF is coming, but I know I won't stop taking it. I hate breaking rules and not following instructions. I'm such a wuss.

Continuing to work on the weight loss/getting healthy thing. It's been a fantastic distraction for me. I've officially signed up for two 5K's races - one at the end of March and one at the end of April. This is forcing me to get my ass back in shape. I've been doing really good with eating well and hitting my calorie goals. Now I just need to add the exercise for maximum weight loss.

G wants to try one more cycle on our own before I call the RE. I've agreed to that schedule for now. We'll see if I stick to it. Every time I agree I back pedal. It's like I'm in denial or something. We really should take advantage though -we have amazeballs insurance that even covers most of IVF if it came to that. We shall see.

Still no update on the puppy. We should know in the next week if we're getting one out of the current litter (they'll be 8 weeks on Jan 30th - that's usually when breeders have the best idea of what they've got puppy wise). If not, the next litter is due this week - that means a late March or early April homecoming. Either way - we're totally ready!!! So excited for our newest edition...

time to remove the dust...

mostly because I'm ODC and hate germs/dirt/messes. But mostly because I haven't blogged in what seems like forever!

Mostly it's because I've been insanely busy annd I've been having some issues inserting photos. I can't do a blog post without photos!!! I'm way to ADD for that!!!

Anyshit, I'm doing well. Mentally, I'm finally starting to move on from everything. The timing of everything was really rough with it being the holiday season. Too many people asking too many questions. I've been able to finally just have "me" time and mentally process everything. It also really helped that I ovulated this cycle. It confirms for me that my body reset itself the way it should. I think that was huge mental hurdle.

Since I reset myself some of you might be wonder "ZOMG! Did you try again this cycle?!?!?!" The answer is: sort of. We hit a couple of days in my fertile window, but we didn't go at it like we had during the past year. I think we are kinda meh at this point. It's a very humbling thing to hit a year TTC. It doesn't matter how/why you got there. You start questioning everything. I find myself saying a lot lately "maybe God doesn't want me to be a mother. Maybe I'm only going to be a mother to fur babies." I haven't decided if I'm OK with that yet.

G wants to "try" for two more cycles on our own. Since we hit days in my fertile window, this counts as one. If we're not KU by March, he wants to call the RE. I haven't made any decisions yet.

The only thing I really feel like I don't have much of is time. I'm going to be 32 in a couple of weeks. If by some miracle of God, I get pregnant this cycle, I'd be having a kid in early October. Feb cycle = November kid and so on. I so badly wanted to have a child sometime in my 32 year of existence. Now having one during my 33rd sounds like a stretch. I just don't feel like time is on my side.

So I'm taking my progesterone once I confirmed ovulation. My doctor told me to start it at 3DPO. It knocks me out. I stick it up there right before I go to bed (I'm all like did I go far enough?!?!?!?)

It's a much deeper hole than I ever imagined! ;-)

The only other symptom I've had is a lot of headaches. I suffer from chronic migraines so all the hormones are messing with me. Fortunately I haven't had a migraine from it yet (knock wood), and I've been able to sleep off all the other headaches. My doctor has me take it from 3DPO until 12DPO, test, then if it's negative, stop taking it so my BFF will show. I'm not sure I'm going to have to test though. I've been doing this long enough to know what PMS and stuff feels like. Unless progesterone changes all that. Which I'll find out in the future.

I am happy to announce that since I started eating better the day after Christmas I'm down 12lbs. I'm sure some of it has to do with all the emotional up and downs I went through. But I really changed my eating habits (still haven't gotten consistent on my running again). This is how I feel when I step on the scale:

It really does feel amazeballs!

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend! Here's to sex, drugs and rock & roll!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

it's getting harder to pick myself up

Every time I think I'm mentally recovering and doing better, I get knocked down. It's like this m/c (miscarriage - for those who don't know the abbreviation) won't LEAVE.

I was in the kitchen at work yesterday when the director (my bosses boss - follow that?) comes in to get her coffee and says "Congratulations! I heard you were expecting!!!!" I'm sure the look on my face said it all.

So of course I then had to play it off. Tell her that I can assure her with 100% certainty that I am NOT pregnant. She apologized. I went off to the bathroom to cry again.

I swear to GOD why does this keep happening? When will it end? Why am I still being tested? I am not that strong! I was so convinced that once I got through the holidays I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore.

/end rant for today. Had to get that off my chest.

Okay so the same boss listed above - her daughter just had her baby. A little girl, Ava Noel. She wasn't due until mid-January. She is a Christmas baby and came at 5lbs exactly. She had to be induced as the baby wasn't growing properly and her heart rate started to slow down.

Delivery went fine, mom and baby went home. Baby started having breathing problems; they went to ER where baby and mom we re-admitted. They are still both in the hospital but doing MUCH better. If you have a moment, please say prayer for mom and baby. She is a first time mom and as you can imagine, mom, dad, grandma - the whole family is very scared and stressed out. I really appreciate it.

lost my water bottle already

Damn it! I seriously don't know what I did with it! I had it Monday when I went to work - but now it's no where to be found! This is going to make me insane today. Okay. That's my rant so far for 2013.

NYE was fun. But I had to "force" myself to have fun. I did okay until midnight. Unfortunately, I had one of those awesome "accidents" while out so after that (thank GOD I packed extra undies just in case) I just stayed in the room the rest of the night. (AF this time is very unpredictable and has been different from my "normal" which my doctor warned me about.) My mind started to wander about all the "what ifs" instead of trying to focus on the future. I know it's still going to happen from time to time.

Here is a pic of me and G before heading out NYE - I have no idea why my eyes look cross eyed.

Here is a pic of the all the girls in our group - this is all our pool hall friends that went out with. It's nice because the crowd is a little older than G and I. (We're the youngest in this group.) And most of them don't have kids and have no desire to have them. I avoid the dreaded kid questions - which is really nice.

This was before we all got too trashed. The end of the night was a hot mess. That's for sure.

When we got home, even Cira was exhausted:

Not sure what she did while we were gone, but clearly, she was wiped out too!

G and I have decided to try two more cycles on our own. I am headed to Target after work today to get my Progesterone script filled (per my doctor). If we aren't pregnant in two more cycles we will go get testing done with the RE. We'll decide based on the test results if we're going to move forward with "help." More about that later on - I have a lot of thoughts about getting help and most of it's religious based so I don't want to bore you/anger/offend anyone. I will say that church has really helped the healing process. I haven't missed mass on a Sunday since my m/c. I also haven't missed a Holy Day (I know you can insert your eye roll). But for me, I've found a lot of strength at church and really has helped me cope. It's been quite an emotional roller coaster and for whatever reason, faith has grounded me.

Okay, that's my soap box. Again, I don't want to offend anyone and I definitely don't want to push my religious beliefs on anyone.

Happy Wednesday - welcome to 2013! Let's make this our year!