2012 wasn't a good year...

I'm guessing with all the awesomeness that happened in 2011 I should've expected that 2012 would suck. Or maybe I'm one of those people that do better with odd numbers as opposed to even? Maybe 13 will be a lucky number for me? I'm not sad to see 2012 go.

Only time will tell.

I finally had my follow up with my doctor for my D&C. She gave me progesterone and my marching orders. G and I still haven't decided what we're going to do. We're just not sure if we're strong enough. Maybe we need a few more cycles. We are a that dreaded year mark with no take home baby. Maybe we're not meant to be parents to humans. We just don't know. We're looking for answers that just don't exist right now.

Again, only time will tell.

My period has finally showed since my D&C. I never thought I'd ever be so happy to see that stupid thing. But for me it's a positive sign that my body reset itself. I feel like ass, but I have plenty of Advil and wine so that should take care of things nicely.

I still really haven't been interested in talking to people. I've been hiding out as much as possible. I dread the questions. I think I've been pretty clear where I stand on things. On how I have zero desire to talk about it. I feel like people call/text to "check in on me" and hope that I'll bring it up since they know better. I know this is also the farthest thing from the truth (with a few exceptions) but it doesn't change how I feel. I haven't figured out when I'll feel social again. I just don't. And I hate the pressure I feel from people to be social again. I'm just not interested at this time. (The girls from TB are fine. For whatever reason, y'all are the only ones I want to talk to - it makes no sense, I know.)

I think I mostly got knocked down by going to G's family Christmas party. I knew it was going to be tough, and I really had no desire to go, but I sucked it up anyway. As expected, his one uncle asked me when I was going to be pregnant since our cousin is expecting. Her and I are joint at the hip and do a lot together. So everyone assumed since she was pregnant, I would be too. Well, asshole, I was pregnant. He didn't know about my loss. My cousin knew, and G's parents knew. That was it. I wasn't interested in telling people. One of G's Aunt's also said something. As we were leaving she said "I expect to see a baby by next Christmas!!!" Man. Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

I know she meant well. They both did. But seriously, people need to think. You have no idea what people's stories are or the struggles they've been through. Saying shit like this really knocked me down when I was just starting to feel back to my old self. And I haven't recovered from it. I keep hearing everything that was said to me at the party in my head. It makes me want to stop trying, go back on BCP, and tell people "Go fuck yourself. We're never having children."

Let's move on to 2013...

We already have some good news to share. We're getting another puppy. Most of you know we have a six year old Airedale Terrier, Cira. Well now, we're going to get a little boy. Stay tuned for updates. We aren't sure of exactly when he's coming home. I'll update once I get a better idea. Here is a pic of what Airedale puppies look like (THIS IS NOT HIM!!! We don't have any pics of him yet!)

Seriously AH-DOR-AH-BLE!!! I can't wait to bring him home!

Hopefully this is a really good start to 2013 for us. Things will fall into place - we just have to have continued faith. Without faith we really have nothing...

 

 

Here's to 2013 - may it be blessed for you all...will update with pics of our adventure for NYE's on Jan 1!