genetically, I'm good

I got my first test results from my fertility center. Most people are familiar with the Counsyl genetic testing panel that tests for over 100 different genetic recessive disorders. My fertility center has developed a test with Counsyl that is a "limited" blood panel to test for the 16 most common genetic disorders. They include things like Cystic Fibrosis and Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Most women are tested to see if they are a carrier for CF when they find out they are pregnant. All these other genetic disorders they tested for are done at woman's NT scan. Since they are recessive, both G and I would have to be carries for our baby to have any of these.

Because of my losses (at my fertility center, they consider me to be there because of recurrent losses) they wanted to do this panel to rule out genetic disorders as the reason why I'm not able to keep a pregnancy. The doctor also explained to me that it'll be nice for us when we do get pregnant knowing that there is zero chance of our baby having any of these by the time we get to the NT scan. We liked that idea!

This panel was completely optional, and usually isn't covered by insurance. She said the test would be about $100-$150 OOP (out of pocket for the newbs following my blog!) which G and I felt wasn't too bad to rule out some serious issues. I did this test right there at the center after my initial appointment with Dr. B.

I got the phone call yesterday that I was negative for everything. YAY!!!! Honestly, I forgot about it though. It's like the one test I was least concerned about. I already knew I wasn't a carrier for CF since I had that test done during my last pregnancy. I really didn't think I was a carrier for anything else just based on my family history.

I'm more worried about G's SA (semen analysis) results, my HSG, CD3 blood work, ect. We also had to do an infectious disease blood draw but I'm not worried about that either. I'm a regular blood donor and if I had any of that shizz they would send me a nice letter telling me not to come back (they stalk my ass on the regular). I know someone this happened to!

Other than that, I'm still running, reading and just overall keeping myself busy. It helps pass the time. Once you get past a year, have had multiple losses and are now going through IF testing, you HAVE to keep yourself busy to stay sane. I also have a an AH-MAY-ZING group of women who are my rock, strength and shoulder when I need it.

I'm 8DPO in my current cycle. My back started killing me today. (Back pain = PMS for me) I'm out, but I wasn't expecting any miracles this cycle. I'm actually looking forward to taking a temping break next cycle as well! My doctor didn't specify that I couldn't try, but for my sanity I've already decided this is it. Next cycle will be finishing up testing and a follow up with Dr. B. Then I'll start treatment and since I'm being monitored, there is zero reason to temp any longer. YAY!

Happy Friday ladies! Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend. I'm on baby watch - my college roommate is expecting her little girl any day! I'm so excited to meet baby Addison!!!

SNOWQUESTOR!!!!

Okay yeah, totally lame, but in the DC area everything has to be named. It's just how this area works. DC itself got barely any snow. Like maybe a dusting.

We live about 30 miles west of DC. We hit the jackpot. We had about 10 inches. My parents live about 50 miles from DC (20 miles from us if you're doing math) and they got over a foot. I feel badly, they didn't have power when they woke up yesterday morning - and they still don't have power. They are over 24 hours without. Also, they have a well. Which means they can't shower or anything when they don't have power. They're headed up to our house today to use our facilities. G is working from home today so they can come over and make themselves at home.

Here's a pic of me and the girls yesterday in the snow:

It's hard enough to get one dog to pose let alone two!

G's SA is today. He already called and completed what he had to at home. He's en route to the doctor's now to drop off his "sample." I'm glad he was able to get it done. I was nervous that he might get some anxiety and not finish. He's been really good about all this testing - although this is the last test he has to do. Everything else is on me.

I got a letter from Aetna yesterday about coverage for some test that's been approved. I think it's for my HSG. Not sure. I'm calling the financial coordinator today. I'm terrible with insurance and understanding the lingo. I originally thought I was OOP for the HSG - but if I'm reading this letter correctly, I don't think I am. SO. EFFING. CONFUSED. I feel like insurance is like a foreign language.

We all know this journey is hard. It's even harder when dealing with IF. Every failed cycle burns as time goes on. For some reason this song really resonates with me. Every month I have to convince myself that if I don't try - it's not going to happen. This song is one of my motivations - I gotta get up and try. If I don't try - I know one day I'll totally regret it. I have to try until I've exhausted all options. I gotta get up and try.

SNOWMYGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to the DC area when it snows. It could be an inch to 3 feet, but the panic and reaction is the same. I feel like most of the time weathermen are wrong anyway. I know that there is a panic rush at the grocery stores for milk, eggs & fabric softener!

Just for shits and giggles, here is the warning map:

I'm technically in the area that's in teal, but I'm closer to the pink than DC. We usually end up getting more where we live. I couldn't find the map that showed the estimated snowfall totals, but this morning they are saying 8-12" at our house. Sweet. Our neighborhood is so new that it's not state maintained yet. The state will not take over until all the houses are built. I think there are maybe 3-4 open lots still. So I'll take my laptop home tonight just in case I have to work from home tomorrow. I'm kinda hoping for that! I love the idea of not getting out of my pj's!

Sorry I've been MIA lately. There just isn't much to report since my first appointment with my RE. We're just chugging along getting things done on the checklist provided by the RE.

Items we've completed:
-G did his infectious disease tests
-I did my infectious disease test
-I did my genetic screening blood draw
-I did another blood draw that tested for karyotype, RH factor, blood type, ect.

Items pending:
-I'm waiting for my nurse to confirm that my stupid GYN's office has send my records. I've called twice. I'm not really happy with my GYN's office. Next step is to show up in person. They really don't want me to do that.
-G has his SA this Thursday

Items scheduled:
-HSG March 19th

TBD:
-CD 3 blood work. I have to call my nurse when I get my period.

I'm bummed I didn't take a pic of the blood draw from this past weekend. I need to start photographing this shit. They took 9 vials of blood from me this past Saturday. 9!!!!! I was like HOLY EFFING SHIT!  I promise to do better like when I go for my HSG and shizzz!

I'm currently in my 2WW from current cycle. I'm 5DPO today. I'm not really expecting anything other than my period coming. Why would that change at this point?

We have visitor until Easter. The breeder that we're getting a puppy from has a girl, Lilo who's 8 months old and is really shy and skittish. She wants to show her but if she continues to be scared of everything, she won't be able to. She asked us if we could take her for a few weeks to see if we can help her get less scared. She's already doing better after only one week. (We live in a more densely populated area with more "everyday" noises - the breeder lives in a very isolated, quite area on top of a mountain.) She's also quite comfortable with me and G as you can see in this pic of her napping on my lap over the weekend:

Yes, she's upside down. Most of you have seen pics of my girl, Cira, sleeping like this. Apparently all Airedales sleep like this! :-)

Our little boy was born over the weekend!!! That's exciting. So we're looking somewhere between April 27th  and May 11th for him to come home. (That's between 8 and 10 weeks if you're keeping up.) It's just really going to depend on when he's ready. We're very excited, and we've got almost everything in place. Especially since Lilo is visiting - she's still prone to trouble - as all pups are!

Dogs rule.

I'm on overload...

Many of you know, but I had my first RE appt yesterday. It's not a joke when they say it's information overload. I think I knocked out for a moment

It was a lot. But at least we have a plan now.

This is probably the best news I've gotten in a while. It's fantastic to know that we're working towards SOMETHING. The only weird part was when she was going over the testing, she wasn't going to order a SA for G. To my utter shock, he said something. She told him if he wanted one, she would do it, but based on our history, she doesn't think he has any issues. And for my second shock of the day - he said YES! Let's do it! Bless him.

So based on where I am in my current cycle, we have to wait for some stuff. BUT we did do a blood draw today for genetic screening. They test for 16 different types of chromosome abnormalities (cystic fibrosis for example). If I'm not a carrier of any of them, G doesn't have to get tested. We'll find out about those in two weeks.

We both have to go to the lab and get tested for HIV, Hep B, ect. He's actually got it done already yesterday. I needed to go back to work - but they're open this weekend so I plan to go first thing.

She scheduled my HSG based on when my next period comes. They do it between CD 5-12. Right now, mine would be scheduled on CD9. I have to call the nurse when I get my period to schedule my CD3 blood work. Of CD3 for next cycle is going to fall on a weekend which makes things tricky. But we'll get it done. G's SA is scheduled for next week after my FW is over (I'm 99% sure I'm Oing today). The doctor said they don't do 7DPO blood draw because they put everyone on progesterone since it "can't hurt, only help."

Lastly - we already have our follow up scheduled the first week in April. By then all our testing should be done and we'll meet to go over them and get a game plan together. Oh, and she was very happy about my charts. She loved it. She said they all looked great and was appreciative that I brought them in. (Another example of how charting really works and is a GOOD thing!)

I am being treated as a high risk patient because of recurrent losses. They believe that two back to back is cause for concern. She said that I might have "bad luck" and nothing is wrong, but it's time to get it checked out. If I do get pregnant, as far as my RE is concerned, I will be high risk. My OB usually doesn't consider this until you've had 3 straight losses, but we'll see. Only time will tell. I'm having a lot of genetic blood work done to rule out any type of genetic defects.

Overall yesterday was a pretty positive day. My PCP did call me late though. I had my annual physical last week. Apparently my Vitamin D level is quite low. Most people get Vitamin D from sun exposure, as it occurs naturally. But since I avoid the sun like the plague (I am one of the whitest white girls EVA), I might be able to be officially classified as a vampire.

(Disclaimer: I've never watched or read anything related to Twilight. This was just the first thing that came to my mind when I think of a vampire - since they're all up in the news lately.)

Anywho, my PCP wants to put me on high dose Vitamin D for 8 weeks, then take a regular vitamin with my prenatal (she knows we're TTC). I just don't know if it's OK for me to take these Vitamin D supplements while I'm going  through all this. I've read that it's important and OK but I'm emailing my nurse this morning at the RE's office....I'm impatiently waiting for her reply!! Please feel free to chime in if you know about this!

Okay, this is seriously enough for one day...

the nerves are settling in....

Yup. That's how I'm starting to feel about my first RE appointment. It's exactly a week from today. I have no idea why I'm so nervous. It's not like I'm going to walk in there and I'm going to find out if/what is wrong. Maybe it's just because this is starting to become more real.

I honestly never thought a year ago that I would be here. When I started this journey I was convinced that it might take some time; up to year. But I never thought I'd actually have two losses under my belt. I was SO FREAKING sure I'd get pregnant. (Doesn't everyone when they start?)

But instead, I sit here on the verge of my first RE appointment. Maybe it's the unknown that's freaking me out? What if there's no answer? What if we're diagnosed with unexplained? Is/will that be more frustrating than something being wrong with one of us? GAH!!!! I told you I'm starting to panic a little.

I need to calm my happy(ish) ass down.

I'm hoping to make this a positive experience - I know many would consider it negative that it's come to this point. I think G is ready for some answers too.

Just as an update, I'm still running. I can tell I'm getting more in shape. It honestly feels really good. I can run 3 miles without stopping (that's what I'm up to). Maybe I do have a chance to run this entire race. I've been sticking with the training program (some days are harder than others) and it's paying off. This Saturday is my first 4 mile run. We'll see how that goes. But I feel really good after my 3 mile run today. I could totally crush a 5K at this point!

life just isn't fair sometimes...

That's pretty much how life feels occasionally these days. I've been through a lot these past few months, and I feel like the hits just keep on coming.

As much as I cry on occasion or just feel down, I REFUSE to let all this defeat me. Some days, staying strong is hard.

Like today I had a meltdown at the mall. I went go buy a new pair of jeans from the Gap. I found these long and lean jeans that actually fit my body. I have HIPS! And when I say hips, I mean like Oprah and then some! So finding jeans is REALLY hard for me. Skinny jeans are not an option. They would make my ass look like I was hauling a freight train on my backside. But I digress. I went to go buy another pair of these wonderful jeans because I tore a hole in my favorite pair. We didn't you know that the lovely ladies that work there informed me that they are being DISCONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF! I was all:

And then in the car ride home, the melt down ensued. OVER FUCKING JEANS! I seriously need to slap the shit out of myself some days.

And then I snapped out of it. I find myself being OK most days. But every once in a while I find that things are getting to me. Stupid things. Like jeans being discontinued. I know that when something goes wrong I'm associating it back to something worse like my losses, my grandpa. whatever. And I know that's so wrong. I'm not sure it's normal either. I'm hoping that this is all part of the grieving process and it'll pass with time.

In order to help keep things positive I'm still running. I'm still sticking to the 10K training schedule. I'm shocked that I've been able to keep up with it. But just like TTC, I will not give up on it. I will see it through until I reach my goal. I feel amazing after each run, and the weight is really starting to melt away.

I'm also starting to really look forward to my RE appointment so we can get things going. The excitement of that when I think about it is sobering yet refreshing all at the same time. I know that sounds completely insane.

There are some people out there that are going through so much more than I am right now. That are in much more emotional or physical pain or both. I try to keep that in perspective while on this journey - and try my best to keep every single one of you in my prayers. I love you all. And thank YOU for the love and support you have shown me over the past few weeks. I don't know how I'll ever begin to thank you enough. But please know that I do hope that if you ever need it, I can be there to show you the same love in return. 

thank you rbtrumpet!!

For giving me strength to get through this rough patch. I'm going to pay it forward this Ash Wednesday. Here's some inspiration for all of us:

"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands." (II Corinthian 5:1)

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.  After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words."1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Romans 5:3-5

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."
Romans 8:18

No matter where you are on your journey, I keep you all in my T&P's. No matter what your faith (or lack there of) I think of all of you. It's the common bond and the hope that keeps us all going.